Yesterday I landed myself into the hospital. Why? What happened you might ask? Fear. The same fear I said I was not feeling!
Well I thought I was not operating in fear. So let’s break it down.
Fear is defined in Dictionary.com as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
For the past few days my oldest daughter had observed that my face was swollen on one side. I saw it but I was not overly concerned about it. Yesterday she asked why was I speaking out of one side of my mouth. Okay! I’m a little concerned now but I move on with my day. “Promise me you’ll call your doctor Mom.” The last words she said to me.
I went on to get some chores completed and true I wasn’t feeling good but nothing really not out of the normal for me except now, I’m feeling impending doom. (Really it could have just been the feeling of impending housework. I like a clean house but I don’t care to do the cleaning). Anyway, the feeling is overwhelming and I start to cry. I pray about it and I then decide to go to urgent care just to get checked out and keep my promise. One ambulance ride and several test later, I get invited to a sleepover at the local hospital.
This morning the mediation is about casting your cares on Jesus. Yesterday I missed the mediation and it was on the topic of fear. This situation comes to mind as being a test. Not that God is testing me but he is convicting me. He did bring it to my attention that regardless of the pending test results he is paying close attention and I have nothing to be afraid of. He is the author of my life and Yesterday I was operating in fear. Fear for my children not for myself. Did I take care of everything. Will they be okay? I even mentioned it in my prayer. I was prepared for his will but what about my children. It was one of them that set this fear in my mind. Maybe the past experience of losing a parent who did not seek medical help influenced her. I had to ask myself am I afraid to be the parent and take the lead and make the decisions for myself and my family? I wasn’t being told by my own intuition that I needed medical attention. I’m not so sure. I do know now fear played a big part of me sitting on this hospital bed.
Fear can come in so many forms. I am not in fear for my future, of being alone or taking care of all the responsibilities left to me to discern. As confident as I am in God’s plans for my life I realize that there are still things I have not surrendered to Him.
If I have anything to fear it will be the hospital bill that’s following this venture. Nope Wonderers, it is already covered. Thank you Jesus!
Thank you for perusing and have a wonderful joyous day.
It’s Monday and you know what time it is. Today though, my madness is a little bit different.
Last Friday evening my daughter called waking me out of sleep to tell me to gas up my car because a hurricane was on its way to Texas. I got up and did just that. (Thanks baby for looking out for your mama!) Saturday morning when I awoke my mind was telling me to gas up my husband’s car also. We did not know how bad it was going to get and I might need both cars filled with gas.
I try to ride his car around once a week to keep it running in good condition until someone else takes over the car . So I take it out and ride around the subdivision. I look at the gas gauge and I can’t determine whether it needs gas or not. We’ve had this car since 2007 and today I do not understand how to read the gauge. I mean there is a white line up to the “F” but there is a red dot at the “E”. My mind is questioning is it full or is it empty. So I park the car and pull out the owner’s manual looking for clarification. That didn’t help, it only confused me more. At this point I’m thinking I had put gas in it the week prior but I can’t remember to be sure. (Senior moment.) So I just decide I’m gonna drive to the gas station anyway. Either way no harm in taking the drive. That’s when the miracle happened.
I start the car and only two bars show up at the top of the gauge at “F”. The lower bars had disappeared. As if the car was saying, “Denise the car is full dummy.” I had never seen it do this before. I was questioning whether it was a magnetic glitch in the gauge or maybe the light was blown. I just keep looking at it and thinking the two bars were glowing brighter than usual but I still felt I needed to go to the gas station. So off I went. At the pump it took $1.99 and it was full.
I got back into the car and on the way home I just started crying. I mean bawling. I had been praying for discernment and to trust my intuition. And right in front of me, here it is. Evidence that God is listening to my prayers and I was questioning it. I cried until I started laughing. All this time and through all the things he brought me through I was still questioning what was real. It gave me a total new perspective on my past, life with my family, my husband’s love and his passing and for my future. It made me realize going forward I don’t have to question God anymore. He is working for my good and he loves me. My faith has been renewed. If he can darken the control panel in a car, he can do anything!
Now you may think I’m losing it. Some may say it was just a malfunction in the panel or maybe my husband. It’s not the first time something strange happened in his car. (That’s another story for another day.) What I know is:
God has dominion over every thing and he will use whatever he needs to get our attention and if we call out to him he will answer. Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus or Lord. Roman 8:39
Wonderers, have a great day. Use your magnetic personalities and draw God’s love into your lives. Thank you for perusing and remember….
We ride the carousel round and round afraid to get off in fear that if we do, we will miss the last turn, so we ride until it stops. Why is that?
You had an opportunity to pick the horse. Maybe you picked the stationary one because you know your limitations. Maybe you picked the one moving up and down because you crave excitement. Just going round and round wasn’t enough. Or worse yet, you settled on the only available horse betting that nothing better would come along or the one you wanted wasn’t worth the work or the wait.
Looking back, were you wrong? Was your horse worth all you sacrificed for? Was your horse worth the ride? Only you know the answer to this question and only you know when it’s time to get off the sadly-go-round.
Is it time for a revision?
Look closely at your life and sort out all that is keeping you circling outside of your destiny. All that you need to succeed is already in you. You just need to be assertive on the merry-go-round. Ride it and build up your courage and strength then get off and live the life that is created just for you. That’s what you need to remember. The choice is still yours. You don’t have to keep riding the dark horse. You don’t have to keep riding in darkness. Let him take the reigns and together ride towards the sun. Your destiny awaits Wonderers.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
All of my children played instruments in school. Three of them were skilled in musical ability that they played more than one instrument. One had difficulty. The music teacher told me before she excused them from band, “She couldn’t carry a beat if you put it in a suitcase.” That might have been true but she finished out the year and what I remember about it was, she never gave up. She practiced, she never missed a class, she kept her instrument clean and she supported averyone else regardless of what instrument they were playing or how good or bad they played.
God has an orchestra comprised of every kind of instrument. Every musician comes to rehearsal prepared to play their best. Sometimes one part plays better than the others but God doesn’t want that. He keeps practicing them all until they perform the perfect symphony. One section may be out of tune so he will have the composer rewrite that section so they can stay in key. He doesn’t think the violins are better than the flutes. It is not possible. They are two different types of instruments. What he does think is he incorporated it all into an orchestra and every instrument will play its part until he decides the symphony can not get any better and at that time he will have the curtain call.
I’m sorry my baby did not get to play out her six years of band like her siblings did, but she did find her place at the events. She worked the concessions. 😉
Wonderers, those of you who are strong in faith need to help those who are trying to find their place. God is giving you strength for service not for a first chair position. Pick up your instrument and toot your horn so that others can hear the God in you and if you see someone else is having difficulty help them find the instrument (or not) that is right for them.
Honestly I didn’t want to blog. I feared my usage of the english language was substandard at best. But my daughter thought it would be a good idea for me to journal and started me on my way.
I’ve since learned that like in visual art, your talent is your talent. If it is authentic it will represent you. When I read my posts it reads like the thoughts in my head so it’s acceptable. I no longer worry about past tense or present tense, all the punctuation errors I learned in school and definitely not the grammar. It might be wrong but I only worry about the point of view. It is sincere?Is it humble? Are you hearing what I would have said if I was talking to you directly? Of course I do go back and try to correct my verbiage which might have been pointless because after I post I see yet another mistake I missed.
Like an original painting that is in process that everyone thinks is ugly you finished it for the one person who will see it’s beauty. The person who wants to own it. I have something to say to the universe and only a few will get it and it is okay. Tomorrow is another day I might reach another person.
God just wants us to keep trying and that’s what I’m going to do substandard and all. Besides that, it brings me joy.
We lust for the good life. We chase after success, fame, wealth and love. We’re so hard on the chase we miss the little opportunities that would have made a difference in where we end up,
In the pursuit of wealth we sacrifice our family. We miss reunions, dance recitals and kindergarten graduation because we think that job can not go on without us. Your children’s accomplishments needed that same respect. This was their one time event that went on without you and no matter how many pictures and videos were taken so you could “be there” you will never be apart of it.
In the pursuit of success set a ceiling for yourself and your family so the power does not go to your head. Your job’s congratulations and promotions are not the success your seeking. Your only the hero as long as you are there. Don’t let your job tell your family, “Thank you for sacrificing him.” Be the hero of your children. They know how hard you worked for them but they know so little about you personally because you were not there to tell all your success stories.
In the pursuit of fame you will never achieve it at your job. A job is means to support yourself not to make you famous. No matter how high you climb a fall from grace will make you start over again. Your family will always hold you in high esteem. Even if you falter they will hold you up until the end of time.
In the pursuit of love stay focused on the prize. Don’t get it twisted. As much as you think you love your job, it don’t love you. It will use you until it uses you up. Love is waiting for you to come home. There is dinner ready and the children are waiting to tell you all the exciting things that happened while you were at work.
Think about it. There are only 24 hours in a day. If you work 8-12 hours and get some sleep, how much time is left for your family. Your family is willing to make adjustment to make time for you to be home more. The question is, are you?
I love tea don’t you? I drink it so much I recently repurposed a chest as therapy for my broken heart. I refinished it to serve as a hot beverage bar. Sitting here having a tea break I had a thought. Okay, okay I know but stay with me here.
In your youth you don’t think of sinful things. You go in and out without much thought about it like the teabag you dunk in and out trying to keep the tea weak of flavor.
When your older you sin and you let it sit and fester growing stronger until you have no choice but to bind it to throw it east to west Like the teabag you let sit in the bottom of the cup steeping until it is black and strong. You take the string and wind it around your spoon to squeeze out every bit of juice before you realize it is done and you can throw it away before it permanently stains the cup.
Luckily we have a savior who gives us grace however the tea turns out. Please remember:
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
Let me tell you about the smartest person I know. The earth angel. She is wise beyond her years with the purest of hearts. The day she was born was traumatic. It was predicted that she would not survive. But God had another plan. She was born by emergency cesarean section. Before she left the body she cried. The doctors all proclaimed how smart she was for she did not have to be stimulated to take the first breath. She was fragile but strong. Her head circumference was abnormally small. And God had a plan. Born on April 1st, she fooled them all.
Fast forward 6 years to one of the most exciting days or her life, kindergarten graduation. She is reading above first grade level, writing whole sentences and she did well in math also. She was the only child who didn’t take her diploma for granted. She stopped to make sure it had her name on it before she left the podium. She was proud of herself.
I look back and think about why she is here. She is here to keep us all straight. She has a godly strength and wisdom that she shares generously. She often just comes up to me and hugs me just when the low vibrations appear. Without warning, without prompting, She tells me often that We are fighters not criers. No little one we are not and you are so much more. You are a gift from God and I pray that the world never changes your heart.
I pray you have an angel in your midst Wonderers. Life has so much joy when they are around.