Some days ago I woke up feeling like my normal self. It was short lived but nice just the same. I have been missing in action for quite some time. Invisible to the world. Being a caregiver took up so much of my time (no complaints) and the felt the care of I giving became insufficient for my husband went on to glory days. Just like a plant I was continually watering and accidently drowned. It felt as if my good intentions went to waste.
Shortly after I awoke I realized it was my husband’s birthday tomorrow and I needed to get flowers to put on his gravesite. Plastic flowers because people will not let the real one stay in place. Who robs a departed soul? People who have no soul I assume. Then I began to cry, sob uncontrollably because he should not be there. Not in the ground and definitely not in that location. He should still be here with me and our family. I made the wrong decision. A decision I can not change. A decision that was only mines to make. A decision I did not have time to fully consider. Ultimately a decision I had no control over. God had all the control over the ultimate situation. But I still felt that in some way I was to blame.
So today here I sit, on the ledge, writing about how I feel. It is not my first letter. I’ve written plenty to God, my husband and to myself looking for both questions and answers. I get answers but still I move in and out of acceptance like I change underwear. Everyday is a new reality. So how do I keep getting back to the first day over and over again?
Plain and simple. Doubt.
It does not matter whether it is weakness, fear, feelings of defeat, loneliness, etc… The enemy will use your despair to defeat you where he can.
This is when I started to cry and moan and I prayed to the Holy Spirit to help me and comfort me. Romans 8:26-27 says “the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words we can not express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.
I know it is true because I quickly and quietly get back to the place of acceptance. Over the last few months I have asked the Spirit to quiet my thoughts, help me find peace, and whatever else I consciously and unconsciously asked for and it was given to me. God’s love and concern for me never wavers. He is restoring me back to the path he placed me on some time ago. He tells me I am redeemed. I do not need to be on this ledge for he has a purpose for me. A purpose far beyond my reach. A plan that I have been seeking validating for.
Well Wonderers I am here to tell you God has already validated you. His grace is more than sufficient. Have faith in his promises. Love life, love yourself and be grateful for your family and friends. Speak with kind words and with positivity. What you put out in the universe manifests itself. God only wants what is best for you.
Until we meet again keeping looking for the wonders of life and thanks for perusing.
For my friend Pamela because you encourage me to get out of my own head.
Happy 1 month anniversary B!
I’m starting to remember that day more clearly. I remember how intently you were staring at me as I turned the corner and you misjudged the table and dropped that glass. I didn’t want you to pick it up. I had joked about me becoming your mother and called you Bernard and told you to have a seat. I remember you made me a drink too. I remember wondering why we were drinking so early in the day. Crown Royal your favorite. I’m so glad I just drank it. I didn’t say I didn’t want it or even that it was too early in the day. I just drank it. I didn’t know we were celebrating your surrendering. That look of longing, that look of intense love. That look like the day we first met gave you courage to surrender it all for my sake. I’m glad I was happy at that moment making snacks for your game. You telling me my guacamole was restaurant quality made me smile. I’m glad you were happy that day. It was a happy day. You were running with the underdogs, the Falcons. What a good game. I watched you cheering them on while you were slowly accepting your departure. You waited for everyone to leave. Going to their homes, going to bed. Then you came to me not quite ready to go but not wanting to be alone. Thank you for choosing me that day in the beginning and again that day in the end.
For all the times I had to share you it always came down to you and me.
Good Morning Wonders!
It’s Monday and I actually had some madness over the weekend that I need to share.
I have a back scratcher “The Bearclaw!” but I didn’t know it’s full potential. I bought it at Walgreens 2 years ago just because I liked the way it looked. Having capsulitis I can’t always lift my shoulders and definitely can’t rotate them at will, so this little tool was needed.
Well Saturday while the carpet was being vacuumed I noticed it wasn’t picking up anything. Why would it? Kids don’t pick up anything on the floor they just think the vacuum destroys things like the garage disposal does with limitations. Anyway as I was clearing out the sock,, Legos and dog hairs, the more you pull out the deeper you must go. I used a Pencil, toothbrush, comb end, hanger ( tried it but the bent end deterred my efforts.). I looked around and finally I saw something that I thought would reach, The Back Scratcher!
I was digging and digging and when I went to pull it out, well, it got stuck. I gave it another pull and what? The arm extended. What? I didn’t know that. All this time I’ve been using it to just get to my bra strap and I could have scratched my whole back. I could have gone over my shoulder and scratched my butt if I wanted too. I’m such a dork! Have could I’ve not known. Now the super back scratcher, my new favorite tool is so becoming and has multiple uses.
I’ve used it to reach in and get clothes out of the dryer. Sssh, don’t tell the hubby I still need the pedestal for my washer and dryer. It hurts to extend my shoulder and reach into the back of the dryer. I’m convinced if it was on a pedestal I would be waist level to the opening and then could reach my whole torso into the dryer. That would be better until my back goes out. But I’ve been saved at least for now by my handy back scratcher.
I also used to to change the time on my wall clock.
Now it doesn’t have to be right 50% of the time.
Wonderers I’ll get back to you on all the other things my back scratcher can do. Alex thinks I’m Inspector Gadget. I’ll have to watch the reruns, I’m not sure if that a compliment or not.
Well I’m off to art camp. 🙂
Until next time, thanks for perusing and keep wondering.
In the beginning of the school year I signed for the PTA (Parent Teacher Association. I agreed to do all volunteer titles but especially – The Baking Committee. I never received a call all year but last week I signed up to volunteer.
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I did hall monitoring. Thursday afternoon I made and distributed popcorn and drinks for Teacher Appreciation. Friday I baked desserts for a staff luncheon.
By Friday afternoon I was exhausted but I enjoyed my week of volunteering. At this point they asked where I’ve been all year. My thoughts on that question – I signed up PTA (please take action.)
Good Morning Wonders:
My husband is away on business but before he left he said to me I couldn’t go because I needed to stay and watch the kids. He left yesterday at 5 a.m. At 9 a.m., just 4 hours later, I was at urgent care with J. Beads in her nose!
Well honey, I’m setting the tone for my week with the kids, not you. And this curse has been fulfilled. Just 4 hours in and need has been checked . We are moving on to fun.
You left grocery money for me to go food shopping. Guess what? We will be eating out everyday. I’ve already got my map together of where kids eat free. I’m not cooking not one night. I’m in charge of the diet this week, not you. So you know we had CiCi pizza last night, all you can eat. I cancelled my doctor’s appointment this morning. A1c don’t lie. And I’ll probably have pizza again this week. We are sorry you don’t like pizza but we do.
I’ve got a project lined up for everyday this week. Something you wouldn’t let me do or something you told me to wait on. I’m starting with hanging curtains in our living room. I’ve been waiting on you for two years. Today is the day! I’ve got plenty of plaster if I put a hole in the walls. But I got a leveler and a stud finder from a neighbor, hopefully that means I will only put purposeful holes in the wall :-).
I’m relaxing the rules, just a little, because we need a break too. I’m in charge this week. Me, not you. ME!
I’m putting this in writing just in case some of my projects go awry so you’ll know I went a little crazy, but be sure, we will be having fun this week. Fun, fun, fun, fun…..fun.
Disclaimer Wonderers . This is not rebellion or complaints. It’s a proclamation. Mundy Madness is in the house .
I tend to over think these things but I’m wondering if I clean out the office will it come with a clarity of what career I can for with the rest of my life? I know already my main focus is to be mother, guardian, protector of my grandchildren, but what else can I do. I have a college education and work experience. I think I need a job! But what kind of job?
Working from home would be an ideal situation for me because I need/have to manage my stress level to stay healthy. Family life is about all the stress I can handle. I used to go to work to escape the stress from home and go home to escape the stress from work. Now there is no happy medium. I can no longer do both but I feel I want to do something.
Here’s my problem. I do tend to let people pile things up on me. You remember that’s apart of my personality trait. I start one job and end up with two additional job descriptions. It’s that cause in the work contract, “and any other duty to perform the job to the fullest function”, that gets me in trouble. I never know how to say, “No.” And before I know it I’ve worked myself into a health crisis. It might take me a long time to get there but I get there eventually. And my doctor says, “No.”
So, Here is my job consideration list:
1. Can’t be a 9-5 job.
2. Must be flexible to work when I feel up to it.
3. Prefer to work from home.
4. Can’t be stressful or strenuous.
5. Must pay well.
Anybody know of any jobs that fit that description?
I might just have to change my home classification to Domestic Engineer and put a dollar amount of my duties. I wonder if my husband can pay me and it be a tax write off for one of us. (Must ask that question when I do my taxes.) Until then, honey can I get an allowance for cleaning the office?
Mental Note: Don’t touch anything until I get a response. I let you know how it works out.
Yesterday, I saw that Scarlett Johansson Is the sexiest woman alive. I think she is gorgeous, but the sexiest alive? So I asked me husband.
Me: Is Scarlet the sexiest woman alive?
Him: I think she is beautiful but not the sexiest alive.
Me: Well then, who is?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: You don’t know?
Him: I answered your question. No she is not the sexiest and I don’t know who is!