I’m trying to stay focused on God but something happens to me when I hear a lie. I just go all willy-nilly on a person. From 0 to 100 and back down to 75 is how my husband used to explain it. And it hurts. Not just me but everyone who is in the room, within earshot even. I hear them questioning what or who set me off. I didn’t want to be that person, I don’t even know when she appeared or when I became the one person I swore I would never be. I pray to bind that personality and I feel the difference when I hear the lie. I try to stay centered. Sometime I perfect it with grace. Other times I catch myself in mid hype and slow down the reaction. It’s the journey I’m traveling. The road to the crown is bumpy. It is my destination so I try to rise above it.
I had been following a word prompt lately trying desperately to have something to say. Something that wasn’t truly ridiculous and nothing that was unsympathetic to other’s tragedy that surrounds me. Believe me I am on a cakewalk compared to a lot of people. I am so grateful for my life as torn as it is, I’m not broken, I’ve only been heartbroken and some days lonely. But I read a post of Facebook the other day saying something about, “if you can lift your head off the pillow, you have all you need.” It apparently was something a dying man was saying to his wife about her life after he was gone. I get it. It is so true. I’m here still amongst the living. I have breath, a pulse and a functioning brain. Everything else after that is icing on the cake.
There is so much goodness in my life that it feels strange to display. I am so at peace with everything that at times I feel …..guilty. Society has a way of dictating how we are supposed to feel, how we are supposed to display how we feel. Why am I supposed to feel sad and downtrodden? Who says I’m supposed to wear black. I might as well hide behind a black veil if that is the case. But I won’t and here is why.
I humbly come before you to explain why you see me living, smiling and enjoying my life. PLEASE forgive me if I am repeating myself but I can not pretend anymore.
My husband loved life. He loved me and gave me a good life. He loved the Lord and obeyed him as far as loving me and for those three reasons I am overjoyed.
I miss him so I wear the colors he loved to see me in. He hated that because of my profession I wore a lot of black. When I retired I threw most of it out and started wearing colors again. Color makes me happy and wearing them made him happy. So I honor him with my bright colors. I smile because he lived to make me smile and laugh. That’s all he wanted for me and our children, for us to be happy. He worked to give us security and comfort and we are so fortunate that he took his responsibility to us seriously. He believed in God’s command of what a husband and father’s responsibilities are to his family. He gave us everything he had to give and he is still giving to us more so now than ever before. So please give us a break when you see us having fun and moving on without him. It is just how we choose to pay our respects to the life he gave us. When he looks in on us I want him to see he gave us enough love to last our life time. I want God to see he did his duty.
I did not get to hear last words from his last breath but I did get to have the last words he wrote to me for our vow renewals the previous year. He closed it with, “I give you my hand, my heart and my love from this day forward for as long as we both shall live.” All I can say is I’m still here and I will honor his commitment for as long as I live.
Thank you for perusing and until next time, walk in joy.
There is no need to rush. Just sit back and enjoy the wonder of it all. Once you accept it you will see it was yours all along. You just needed to open up your mind’s eye, your heart and your soul to it. In the quietness you found all you were waiting for. In the quietness you found you. You found self control.
I had an eye appointment and even though my pupils had been dilated I decided I would go on a guilty pleasure trip to Ollie’s – Good Stuff Cheap!I just like saying that.I walked around the store not looking for anything in particular and almost made it to the cash register with just a pair of earbuds when I saw a Honeywell Deluxe Steel Security Box. An impulse purchase. It caught my eye so I purchased it and took it home with me.I placed it on the desk and went upstairs to lay down.
This morning with my eyes completely opened I saw the box on the table.I can not for the life of me even begin to understand why I thought I needed it.Everything I had personally worth protecting is lost, was lost, is gone. My partner, my husband, my marriage, the life we were building, my future.My everything.It relates to one of my daddy’s sayings, not his originally, and definitely one of Derrick’s favorites, “Don’t lock the barn after the horses got out!”
I really don’t need the box.Anything I have worth keeping is free.My life.My salvation. God’s grace.Jesus’s love and the blessings bestowed on me are many according to his word and his love for me.I am just fine.I am at peace at the life I have now and I pray that you will come to know that God loves you too and if you believe that Jesus Christ came to earth and died for our sins and rose again the riches of his glorious inheritance is yours also.
I’m going to take the security box back tomorrow. I have all the security I need and victory is already mines.
Honestly I didn’t want to blog. I feared my usage of the english language was substandard at best. But my daughter thought it would be a good idea for me to journal and started me on my way.
I’ve since learned that like in visual art, your talent is your talent. If it is authentic it will represent you. When I read my posts it reads like the thoughts in my head so it’s acceptable. I no longer worry about past tense or present tense, all the punctuation errors I learned in school and definitely not the grammar. It might be wrong but I only worry about the point of view. It is sincere?Is it humble? Are you hearing what I would have said if I was talking to you directly? Of course I do go back and try to correct my verbiage which might have been pointless because after I post I see yet another mistake I missed.
Like an original painting that is in process that everyone thinks is ugly you finished it for the one person who will see it’s beauty. The person who wants to own it. I have something to say to the universe and only a few will get it and it is okay. Tomorrow is another day I might reach another person.
God just wants us to keep trying and that’s what I’m going to do substandard and all. Besides that, it brings me joy.
Grandmom’s glider could surely keep the family secrets. How loyal it was to the family. It never rusted and never stopped gliding. We kids would sit out on the porch to eavesdrop on the grownup conversation. You could hear them talking over the big fan that was blowing in the window and we would sit awaiting the juicy news. Then someone would start gliding. Gliding faster and faster. You never noticed when it started to slow down. We all have a different opinion. It happened somewhere near the time when the rickety fan started its lullaby and the fragrances of honeysuckles and hydrangeas would fill the air. Somehow the gossip never filtered through. Childlike innocence was preserved for the glider never told the secrets. It kept us safe and secure from the scarring of growing up too fast. Until the grownup talks were silenced and we had the best summertime naps on grandmom’s porch.
We should have kept that glider for the new generation to keep them safe from all the stimulation and over sensory practices they are experiencing. Oh well, it would not have mattered anyway, they don’t go outside anymore.
Let me tell you about the smartest person I know. The earth angel. She is wise beyond her years with the purest of hearts. The day she was born was traumatic. It was predicted that she would not survive. But God had another plan. She was born by emergency cesarean section. Before she left the body she cried. The doctors all proclaimed how smart she was for she did not have to be stimulated to take the first breath. She was fragile but strong. Her head circumference was abnormally small. And God had a plan. Born on April 1st, she fooled them all.
Fast forward 6 years to one of the most exciting days or her life, kindergarten graduation. She is reading above first grade level, writing whole sentences and she did well in math also. She was the only child who didn’t take her diploma for granted. She stopped to make sure it had her name on it before she left the podium. She was proud of herself.
I look back and think about why she is here. She is here to keep us all straight. She has a godly strength and wisdom that she shares generously. She often just comes up to me and hugs me just when the low vibrations appear. Without warning, without prompting, She tells me often that We are fighters not criers. No little one we are not and you are so much more. You are a gift from God and I pray that the world never changes your heart.
I pray you have an angel in your midst Wonderers. Life has so much joy when they are around.