Yesterday I landed myself into the hospital. Why? What happened you might ask? Fear. The same fear I said I was not feeling!
Well I thought I was not operating in fear. So let’s break it down.
Fear is defined in Dictionary.com as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
For the past few days my oldest daughter had observed that my face was swollen on one side. I saw it but I was not overly concerned about it. Yesterday she asked why was I speaking out of one side of my mouth. Okay! I’m a little concerned now but I move on with my day. “Promise me you’ll call your doctor Mom.” The last words she said to me.
I went on to get some chores completed and true I wasn’t feeling good but nothing really not out of the normal for me except now, I’m feeling impending doom. (Really it could have just been the feeling of impending housework. I like a clean house but I don’t care to do the cleaning). Anyway, the feeling is overwhelming and I start to cry. I pray about it and I then decide to go to urgent care just to get checked out and keep my promise. One ambulance ride and several test later, I get invited to a sleepover at the local hospital.
This morning the mediation is about casting your cares on Jesus. Yesterday I missed the mediation and it was on the topic of fear. This situation comes to mind as being a test. Not that God is testing me but he is convicting me. He did bring it to my attention that regardless of the pending test results he is paying close attention and I have nothing to be afraid of. He is the author of my life and Yesterday I was operating in fear. Fear for my children not for myself. Did I take care of everything. Will they be okay? I even mentioned it in my prayer. I was prepared for his will but what about my children. It was one of them that set this fear in my mind. Maybe the past experience of losing a parent who did not seek medical help influenced her. I had to ask myself am I afraid to be the parent and take the lead and make the decisions for myself and my family? I wasn’t being told by my own intuition that I needed medical attention. I’m not so sure. I do know now fear played a big part of me sitting on this hospital bed.
Fear can come in so many forms. I am not in fear for my future, of being alone or taking care of all the responsibilities left to me to discern. As confident as I am in God’s plans for my life I realize that there are still things I have not surrendered to Him.
If I have anything to fear it will be the hospital bill that’s following this venture. Nope Wonderers, it is already covered. Thank you Jesus!
Thank you for perusing and have a wonderful joyous day.
There is no need to rush. Just sit back and enjoy the wonder of it all. Once you accept it you will see it was yours all along. You just needed to open up your mind’s eye, your heart and your soul to it. In the quietness you found all you were waiting for. In the quietness you found you. You found self control.
All of my children played instruments in school. Three of them were skilled in musical ability that they played more than one instrument. One had difficulty. The music teacher told me before she excused them from band, “She couldn’t carry a beat if you put it in a suitcase.” That might have been true but she finished out the year and what I remember about it was, she never gave up. She practiced, she never missed a class, she kept her instrument clean and she supported averyone else regardless of what instrument they were playing or how good or bad they played.
God has an orchestra comprised of every kind of instrument. Every musician comes to rehearsal prepared to play their best. Sometimes one part plays better than the others but God doesn’t want that. He keeps practicing them all until they perform the perfect symphony. One section may be out of tune so he will have the composer rewrite that section so they can stay in key. He doesn’t think the violins are better than the flutes. It is not possible. They are two different types of instruments. What he does think is he incorporated it all into an orchestra and every instrument will play its part until he decides the symphony can not get any better and at that time he will have the curtain call.
I’m sorry my baby did not get to play out her six years of band like her siblings did, but she did find her place at the events. She worked the concessions. 😉
Wonderers, those of you who are strong in faith need to help those who are trying to find their place. God is giving you strength for service not for a first chair position. Pick up your instrument and toot your horn so that others can hear the God in you and if you see someone else is having difficulty help them find the instrument (or not) that is right for them.
I’m packing my toothbrush once again and Alex and I are heading to Tulsa, Oklahoma. Six months ago I would have never thought I would see this city, it wasn’t even on my bucket list. But God had another plan for me. I wanted to travel. I thought about being an airline stewardess when I graduated from high school but fear of being inadequate stopped me dead in my tracks. I wasn’t pretty enough. Everyone always said I was cute but stewardesses back then were gorgeous. I was too skinny and any other negative thing I thought of that held me back. I see they have relaxed the standard.😋 Good for them. I have met some wonderful everyday kind of people. The elite have no power now. Just genuinely nice people.
God is giving me the opportunity to live out the life I wanted for myself and my children. He took me back to the age of 17 just before I married and had children to remove the spirit of inadequacy. I’m not going to waste it. I bought 6 toothbrushes to start, I never bring back the one I used in another environment (my dad’s rule😋) and I plan on leaving alot more behind before I’m done. Lord willing.
I’ll be singing like Shirley Jones this weekend. Ohhhhla homa!!!!! I can’t hardly wait.
Venture out with me Wonderers. I promise I’ll take plenty of pictures.
Honestly I didn’t want to blog. I feared my usage of the english language was substandard at best. But my daughter thought it would be a good idea for me to journal and started me on my way.
I’ve since learned that like in visual art, your talent is your talent. If it is authentic it will represent you. When I read my posts it reads like the thoughts in my head so it’s acceptable. I no longer worry about past tense or present tense, all the punctuation errors I learned in school and definitely not the grammar. It might be wrong but I only worry about the point of view. It is sincere?Is it humble? Are you hearing what I would have said if I was talking to you directly? Of course I do go back and try to correct my verbiage which might have been pointless because after I post I see yet another mistake I missed.
Like an original painting that is in process that everyone thinks is ugly you finished it for the one person who will see it’s beauty. The person who wants to own it. I have something to say to the universe and only a few will get it and it is okay. Tomorrow is another day I might reach another person.
God just wants us to keep trying and that’s what I’m going to do substandard and all. Besides that, it brings me joy.
We lust for the good life. We chase after success, fame, wealth and love. We’re so hard on the chase we miss the little opportunities that would have made a difference in where we end up,
In the pursuit of wealth we sacrifice our family. We miss reunions, dance recitals and kindergarten graduation because we think that job can not go on without us. Your children’s accomplishments needed that same respect. This was their one time event that went on without you and no matter how many pictures and videos were taken so you could “be there” you will never be apart of it.
In the pursuit of success set a ceiling for yourself and your family so the power does not go to your head. Your job’s congratulations and promotions are not the success your seeking. Your only the hero as long as you are there. Don’t let your job tell your family, “Thank you for sacrificing him.” Be the hero of your children. They know how hard you worked for them but they know so little about you personally because you were not there to tell all your success stories.
In the pursuit of fame you will never achieve it at your job. A job is means to support yourself not to make you famous. No matter how high you climb a fall from grace will make you start over again. Your family will always hold you in high esteem. Even if you falter they will hold you up until the end of time.
In the pursuit of love stay focused on the prize. Don’t get it twisted. As much as you think you love your job, it don’t love you. It will use you until it uses you up. Love is waiting for you to come home. There is dinner ready and the children are waiting to tell you all the exciting things that happened while you were at work.
Think about it. There are only 24 hours in a day. If you work 8-12 hours and get some sleep, how much time is left for your family. Your family is willing to make adjustment to make time for you to be home more. The question is, are you?
In today’s time who would have thought you could be in a place with no internet connection? In the inner city no doubt! I’m living the dream traveling on a road trip but no matter what state of the art equipment you possess it means nothing without a signal. I’ve used 30gb of data in a week whereas that’s the usual plan for a household of 5 for a month and usually rolling over data. So let me be truthful I used 38gb in a week.
It now comes down to two choices.
I could stay dormant in my home with unlimited wifi and reach out to the world and beyond from my office chair, or
I could go out into the world and use up the data reaching out to people telling them about my observations and experiences.
Inside is like a silent prayer between me and my God where I patiently wait for a reply. Outside I’m boldly praying to God and the universe and even better he’s loudly answering my prayers with clarity.
Even in this heat this is a “no brainer.” I am going outside right after I upgrade my plan to unlimited data. 😊
There’s so much to see, so much to do. Do it with wonder.
Don’t file the claim. You think of such things but you don’t speak them out loud. You don’t share them with others. You don’t dwell on the disastrous. Instead pray on it and find your peace within the circumstance. Be loving and kind for this is temporary. Don’t file the claim for you just might get what you asked for. A permanent solution.