Some days ago I woke up feeling like my normal self. It was short lived but nice just the same. I have been missing in action for quite some time. Invisible to the world. Being a caregiver took up so much of my time (no complaints) and the felt the care of I giving became insufficient for my husband went on to glory days. Just like a plant I was continually watering and accidently drowned. It felt as if my good intentions went to waste.
Shortly after I awoke I realized it was my husband’s birthday tomorrow and I needed to get flowers to put on his gravesite. Plastic flowers because people will not let the real one stay in place. Who robs a departed soul? People who have no soul I assume. Then I began to cry, sob uncontrollably because he should not be there. Not in the ground and definitely not in that location. He should still be here with me and our family. I made the wrong decision. A decision I can not change. A decision that was only mines to make. A decision I did not have time to fully consider. Ultimately a decision I had no control over. God had all the control over the ultimate situation. But I still felt that in some way I was to blame.
So today here I sit, on the ledge, writing about how I feel. It is not my first letter. I’ve written plenty to God, my husband and to myself looking for both questions and answers. I get answers but still I move in and out of acceptance like I change underwear. Everyday is a new reality. So how do I keep getting back to the first day over and over again?
Plain and simple. Doubt.
It does not matter whether it is weakness, fear, feelings of defeat, loneliness, etc… The enemy will use your despair to defeat you where he can.
This is when I started to cry and moan and I prayed to the Holy Spirit to help me and comfort me. Romans 8:26-27 says “the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words we can not express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.
I know it is true because I quickly and quietly get back to the place of acceptance. Over the last few months I have asked the Spirit to quiet my thoughts, help me find peace, and whatever else I consciously and unconsciously asked for and it was given to me. God’s love and concern for me never wavers. He is restoring me back to the path he placed me on some time ago. He tells me I am redeemed. I do not need to be on this ledge for he has a purpose for me. A purpose far beyond my reach. A plan that I have been seeking validating for.
Well Wonderers I am here to tell you God has already validated you. His grace is more than sufficient. Have faith in his promises. Love life, love yourself and be grateful for your family and friends. Speak with kind words and with positivity. What you put out in the universe manifests itself. God only wants what is best for you.
Until we meet again keeping looking for the wonders of life and thanks for perusing.
Good Morning Wonders!
It’s Monday and I actually had some madness over the weekend that I need to share.
I have a back scratcher “The Bearclaw!” but I didn’t know it’s full potential. I bought it at Walgreens 2 years ago just because I liked the way it looked. Having capsulitis I can’t always lift my shoulders and definitely can’t rotate them at will, so this little tool was needed.
Well Saturday while the carpet was being vacuumed I noticed it wasn’t picking up anything. Why would it? Kids don’t pick up anything on the floor they just think the vacuum destroys things like the garage disposal does with limitations. Anyway as I was clearing out the sock,, Legos and dog hairs, the more you pull out the deeper you must go. I used a Pencil, toothbrush, comb end, hanger ( tried it but the bent end deterred my efforts.). I looked around and finally I saw something that I thought would reach, The Back Scratcher!
I was digging and digging and when I went to pull it out, well, it got stuck. I gave it another pull and what? The arm extended. What? I didn’t know that. All this time I’ve been using it to just get to my bra strap and I could have scratched my whole back. I could have gone over my shoulder and scratched my butt if I wanted too. I’m such a dork! Have could I’ve not known. Now the super back scratcher, my new favorite tool is so becoming and has multiple uses.
I’ve used it to reach in and get clothes out of the dryer. Sssh, don’t tell the hubby I still need the pedestal for my washer and dryer. It hurts to extend my shoulder and reach into the back of the dryer. I’m convinced if it was on a pedestal I would be waist level to the opening and then could reach my whole torso into the dryer. That would be better until my back goes out. But I’ve been saved at least for now by my handy back scratcher.
I also used to to change the time on my wall clock.
Now it doesn’t have to be right 50% of the time.
Wonderers I’ll get back to you on all the other things my back scratcher can do. Alex thinks I’m Inspector Gadget. I’ll have to watch the reruns, I’m not sure if that a compliment or not.
Well I’m off to art camp. 🙂
Until next time, thanks for perusing and keep wondering.
Good Morning Wonderers:
I know you’ve been wondering how my home improvement while the hubby was gone projects went. Well…. Drumroll Please….. HE LOVED IT!
First my project list:
Organize the office
Wipe down all wood work
Wipe down doors and light fixtures
Wipe down kitchen cabinets
First off I delegated all the wipe down stuff to Brent. My shoulders said No!
My neighbor Andy let me borrow his stud finder and leveler. And while I had it I found all the studs for my windows and in the garage, the kids bathroom and the office. Oh future projects are in the wind. I’ve thought about buying my own stud finder but I would be like a kid with a loaded gun, dangerous. I marked out where all curtain rods should be installed and
Curtains hung. He picked gold but I’m getting ready for Christmas because I think red. With my rods up, what’s stopping me?
Office went from
Just need some artwork for that wall. I’m thinking bookshelves. I just met a young carpenter that I think can do it. I’m having him put some shelves in the bathroom to see what he can do. I didn’t do all that measuring for nothing! I wish I had the audacity to paint a mural. And you know I do! I need another road trip for Popi for sure.
Oh and so you know, we did put a hole in the wall in the stairwell when we moved a dresser from the garage up stairs. A little putty knife, putty and paint, he didn’t notice it. I had to wash the stairwell walls though to pull that one off!
I hung the mirror in the bedroom and did get all the carpets shampooed.
I did not get to washing the windows but hey, I covered then with drapes. I only had 6 days. If he had been gone longer I probably would have killed myself. But when he was gone I had fun doing what I wanted to do with no explanation or criticism. When he came back he loved the improvements. That’s what I call compromising my way! 😉
Until next time, thanks for perusing and keep wondering!
Yes Wonderers I went down the slide!
I almost got trapped in the fort to the point I told Jada to get Pop-Pop. Thank God the Playground Gods sprang me from my cage and I was able to lay down on the slide. If it can hold this big kid, I think it’s safe enough.
Thank you weekend warriors (Brent, Jared And Dan) and Pop-Pop for purchasing the Backyard Discovery Tucson Model 65411 from Walmart.com. Anyone in the Rock Hill, South Carolina area needing a handyman, Dan is a talented young contractor. I plan on using him for a few projects around the house.
The 641 reviews made the choice on which swing set to purchase a breeze. We look forward to all the summer adventure but I won’t be coming down the slide again!
This is my time. I do most things this time of night. Housework, homework, special projects and I even watch my prime time television this time of night. I’m usually out like a light around 8 p.m. But 12-4 a.m. Is my alone time. Time to be by myself with no traffic running interference with my mind. But tonight is different wonderers. After a week of being by myself I realize I don’t really want to be alone. That is surprising to me because I have felt alone all of my life. Except for my immediate family, I really don’t interact socially outside of normal circumstances. I’m not saying I don’t socialize. I do within circles. Work people I socialize at work. Just to hang out with people has never been my thing. I’m always amazed when I leave a group of people and realize the impact I’ve made in that circle because I always feel like I’m outside of it all. I admire extroverted people but I’m not one of them. I’ve never felt the need to be with people for me but for them. If I can help someone that’s what I live for. But tonight, I feel alone.
When I get out of this room, I am seriously going to try to make a friend. I am going to open myself up to socializing more and allowing people to get to know me. I know I keep people in a box but I think it is time to broaden my personality and let down some walls. I am classified as the personality type of ISFJ – introverted sensing feeling judging, if you care to know a little about how I flow. You can check out your personality type at
So that’s me in the nutshell, wonderers. I’m naming 2014 as the year of reinventing or maybe I should say reinvesting myself. That’s fitting I think. 2013 was my resurrection year. I have physically and mentally been put back together and I think it is time to get back out there and do my thing.
My garage is empty. I missed all the end of the year dumpster diving and treasure hunting but my portrait class starts next week and I’m coming up on a year of blogging. So much to look forward too. I think it’s time for a creative giveaway. I will be working hard to come up with something worth sharing,
Until then, thanks for perusing and listening wonders and as always, keep wondering
Good morning my fellow wonderers.
Yesterday I was soaking in the bathtub questioning why I was feeling so defeated about Christmas. I had to admit to myself that my expectation and what I was actually achieving didn’t measure up . First off I haven’t been feeling well and had to address some health issues last week. I had gotten home from the hospital Friday and was resting when the hubby calls stating he had a viral infection and was coming home. Why is it whenever I have a down time someone else has to be down too? That sounds insensitive I know but can’t I be sick alone. I remember when I worked I never told anyone at the house I was sick until everyone got home from school or work. If they knew I was home I would get a phone call someone else was sick too and I would end up nursing everyone else back to health. I just went to bed. Tapped out after I washed all the sheets and blankets. Turns out he did not have a viral infection just a rash.
Saturday I still wanted to be all and everything for Christmas for my grands but it wasn’t working out. It all came to a head over the weekend when I decided we would make candy. We always made cookies but never candy before. We started with making caramels but of course it didn’t get hot enough and we ended up with Caramel sauce. Great taste and I think it will be good on waffles Christmas morning or Ice cream for dessert. After I cleaned the kitchen I announced we will make coconut macaroon later that evening. When I came back in the kitchen there was sugar all over the floor. Come to find out J had knocked the sugar over and they got up as much of it as they could. I still had about 5 pounds of sugar left for my candy making but when I realized they had gathered up the sugar from the floor and added it to the clean sugar — TAP OUT! I went back to bed. What kind of mess was this?
When I woke up, my son had the girls mop the kitchen floor and he went to get some clean sugar for me. J and I made coconut macaroon dots. Do you remember that candy? The candy that you ate off of paper! I just gave up.
I told my husband I was going to take a bath, roll up my hair and just wait for Christmas. It’s just to late to get candy in the mail and I was just going to accept it as it is. What was done was done and it was going to be okay. The bathtub was going to be an attitude adjustment. While I was in the bath, J my two year old granddaughter comes in and I say, ” Its my quiet time!” She replied, “You want some help?” and starts taking her clothes off. I tap out and put my hands up and help her into the tub. We watch Netflix and Polish our toe nails when it becomes apparent to me this is what Christmas is about and I vow to just spend time with my family be it doing chores, baking cookies or just playing a game. Whatever the days bring the rest of the holiday belongs to them.
This morning I check the second batch of caramel which turned out perfect. We had even made some caramel popcorn. The macaroons have loosened off the papers and I still have time to get one box of candy in the mail for my dad.
Christmas is going to be alright after all! Thank you my little two year old!
Until next time, thanks for perusing and Merry Christmas Everyone!
Good Morning Wonders
Of course it’s Monday and before I go to physical therapy today and can’t lift my arm, I’m going to tell my story about Physical Therapy, of course.
Well you guys know I had surgery on my knee November 1st and this time the surgeon ordered physical therapy because my leg didn’t heal correctly from the last surgery and I kept telling my doctor he didn’t put my leg back on straight so he wasn’t taking any chances on letting me rehab myself this time. There is one thing you need to know about physical therapy. How to articulate your pain level.
My therapist is great. Her name is Janie and she puts me through it. I feel like I’m training for the Olympics. I started out going to training for my knee but now I also go for my shoulder. Turns out I have a frozen shoulder. When she asked me how long I hadn’t been able to lift my arm and I said, *April* , she laughed at me. Apparently I injured it on vacation (go figure) but I thought it was strained and would work itself out. The doctor said it would in about 1-2 years with no help and he offered a steroid shot or physical therapy. I opted for the therapy. Oh well, Another thing I can chalk up to being 50. I use to strain things, let it rest and be good as new in a couple weeks. Now 6 months later I’m just beginning to thaw.
Anyway, when addressing my pain level I said, ” 7 but it’s okay.”
Janie said, “Seven is okay, Denise?” She said it like getting punched in the face didn’t hurt. Like it did not make sense to her. I meant it like it hurts but I can tolerate it because I take Alleve morning and night. Enough to relieve the pain that I can get through the day but not enough that I go out and do something stupid like go roller skating on a torn meniscus. Yeah I’m guilty of that! That why I try to stay off the prescribed stuff. It either makes me sleepy or stupid. I don’t have a high threshold for pain so I have to maintain a level of integrity.
So on the right side of my body I’m having therapy on my shoulder and knee. The knee is doing great, the shoulder not so great. Janie wants to send me back to the doctor to have my shoulder manipulated. I questioned if that was when they gave you a steroid shot? She said, “No, that’s when they put you to sleep, open your arm up and break up all the scar tissue. It’s very painful!” My answer to that, ” What else you got!”
I’ve done a lot of reading on adhesive capsulitis and I think 90% range of motion will have to do for now. After all I have to preserve my painting arm. I’m just getting started.