I’m working on the painting “Confirmation” today. It has been a slow process for me to get it started. It had been a difficult two weeks emotionally and thank God the idea was here for me to complete.
I was on a high note the week before the Eagles’ game. It started with me ending up unexpectedly at a birthday party that my granddaughter was invited two days prior. I was not even going to go I was just going to drop them off and circle around a few hours later. But something told me to go in. The homeowners were from Philadelphia. They lived just a block from where I grew up. One guest owned some Florsheim Shoe Stores which was where my husband worked when we first me. And everyone was an Eagles fan. This was Saturday, a week before the game. I took it as a sign from the Father.
A couple days later I get an email from my friend that there is a quilting guild in my area and they have a impromptu meeting the first Friday of every month. And since you know I’m working on this quilt I decide to attend. I end up sitting next to a woman that worked with my husband reminding me how much he was loved by his peers and community. How awesome is God! Not only was my heart filled with compassion, I met several women who could help me with my quilt.
By Sunday I was ready for the game emotionally. My son and I watched it together. The other children went across the street to a Super Bowl party but I could not. We stayed to watch it in the comfort of my home and the Eagles won. I was happy for them. I was happy for everyone who was rooting for Derrick’s favorite team. I felt God gave us a victory. And since Derrick passed right after the game last year, God gave us a better Super Bowl memory. I went to bed that night feeling God’s unmistakable love.
Something changed. I noticed I did not want to answer texts and phone calls. I knew people were concerned but I just did not want to share another moment of missing him with everyone else like I’ve had to do. I would take this final grief by myself.
On the 9th I had a doctor come to my home for a visit. This woman who I had only known for 5 minutes asked how I was feeling this time last year. Well let me see, this time last year I was standing in front of a group of people offering them comfort at his memorial service when I broke down and whimpered. She said I was extremely depressed and it angered me. Not angered as in hate but as in what more could you want from me. I’ve gotten through getting the children off to school everyday and made sure there was food in the house to eat. I’ve paid the bills and handled any situations with grace. What more can be expected from me?
And that brings me back to this painting. Maybe in theory she is right. Although I could not see it was missing, where was my joy? Why am I not doing the things I love. Cooking, singing, taking good care of my family and praising God in spite of it all. I have my moments but where is the continuous joy. I had to rebuke this feeling for I know who I am. I am a child of God. I am a child of light and, “we know all things work together for the good of them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
I thank Jesus for not leaving me there. Her words were a reminder that God called me to a purpose and I was being distracted by the enemy. It was okay for me to miss Derrick and weeping may endure for a night but joy Still comes in the morning. So today I start to paint and I read about the president wanting to cut funding to The Endowment of the Arts among other programs that are here to support the people. Where would I be without art? What would our world be without art? The history of the world as we know it is captured in the arts. Past, present and future. How sad our world would be without it.
So for today Wonderers I can only tell you this. I serve and praise the God that told me to paint. I trust in him and I await for my Lord and Savior. When my doctor got the report from the home visit he gave me a referral to talk with someone. I’m waiting on Jesus and in the meantime I will talk to the many people he has placed on my path with signs and wonders that He has heard my cries and I am not alone. I will complete “Confirmation” and I humbly hope that it will give comfort to someone else who is also waiting on Jesus. In Christ we are more than conquerors.
I am winding down to February 15, the day I laid his body to rest for the final time and I am good. I am not alone and I am not depressed. I have all of you and I hope you know you have a friend in Jesus. Tomorrow I have art guild meeting and will get some pointers on my painting and fellowship with other artists and Christians that love the Lord. I will keep you updated on my progress but here is the First layer.
Thanks for perusing and may God continue to bless you and keep you.