On the Ledge (so to speak)

 

Some days ago I woke up feeling like my normal self.  It was short lived but nice just the same.  I have been missing in action for quite some time.  Invisible to the world.  Being a caregiver took up so much of my time (no complaints) and the felt the care of I giving became insufficient for my husband went on to glory days.  Just like a plant I was continually watering and accidently drowned.  It felt as if my good intentions went to waste.

Shortly after I awoke I realized it was my husband’s birthday tomorrow and I needed to get flowers to put on his gravesite.  Plastic flowers because people will not let the real one stay in place.  Who robs a departed soul? People who have no soul I assume.  Then I began to cry, sob uncontrollably because he should not be there.  Not in the ground and definitely not in that location.  He should still be here with me and our family.  I made the wrong decision.  A decision I can not change.  A decision that was only mines to make.  A decision I did not have time to fully consider.  Ultimately a decision I had no control over.  God had all the control over the ultimate situation.  But I still felt that in some way I was to blame.

So today here I sit, on the ledge, writing about how I feel.  It is not my first letter.  I’ve written plenty to God, my husband and to myself  looking for both questions and answers.  I get answers but still I move in and out of acceptance like I change underwear.  Everyday is a new reality.  So how do I keep getting back to the first day over and over again?

Plain and simple.  Doubt.

It does not matter whether it is weakness, fear, feelings of defeat, loneliness, etc… The enemy will use your despair to defeat you where he can.

This is when I started to cry and moan and I prayed to the Holy Spirit to help me and comfort me.  Romans 8:26-27 says “the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words we can not express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.

I know it is true because I quickly and quietly get back to the place of acceptance.  Over the last few months I have asked the Spirit to quiet my thoughts, help me find peace, and whatever else I consciously and unconsciously asked for and it was given to me.  God’s love and concern for me never wavers.  He is restoring me back to the path he placed me on some time ago.  He tells me I am redeemed.  I do not need to be on this ledge for he has a purpose for me.  A purpose far beyond my reach.  A plan that I have been seeking validating for.

Well Wonderers I am here to tell you God has already validated you.  His grace is more than sufficient.  Have faith in his promises.  Love life, love yourself and be grateful for your family and friends.  Speak with kind words and with positivity.  What you put out in the universe manifests itself.  God only wants what is best for you.

Until we meet again keeping looking for the wonders of life and thanks for perusing.

You and Me

For my friend Pamela because you encourage me to get out of my own head.
Happy 1 month anniversary B! 
  

I’m starting to remember that day more clearly. I remember how intently you were staring at me as I turned the corner and you misjudged the table and dropped that glass. I didn’t want you to pick it up. I had joked about me becoming your mother and called you Bernard and told you to have a seat. I remember you made me a drink too. I remember wondering why we were drinking so early in the day. Crown Royal your favorite. I’m so glad I just drank it. I didn’t say I didn’t want it or even that it was too early in the day. I just drank it. I didn’t know we were celebrating your surrendering. That look of longing, that look of intense love. That look like the day we first met gave you courage to surrender it all for my sake. I’m glad I was happy at that moment making snacks for your game. You telling me my guacamole was restaurant quality made me smile. I’m glad you were happy that day. It was a happy day. You were running with the underdogs, the Falcons. What a good game. I watched you cheering them on while you were slowly accepting your departure. You waited for everyone to leave. Going to their homes, going to bed. Then you came to me not quite ready to go but not wanting to be alone. Thank you for choosing me that day in the beginning and again that day in the end.

For all the times I had to share you it always came down to you and me.