grief

Cause and Effect

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Good morning Wonderers.

It has been awhile since you heard from me but there is a need for everyone to document what is happening in the world today. It does not matter if you are a writer, artist, songwriter or novice of some sort. There is no age requirement either. Just document what you see, hear, or think is important in your own way.

Social Distancing

Today I chose to express my thoughts in a quilt top. I will try to explain it to you in hopes you will get a better understanding of my thought process.

The top part represents healthy people in the world. The bright colors and patterns are to express all of our social activities.

The green spacing is our world – earth. Notice the spacing between each area. It represents the social distancing.

The next blocks of faded color represent even though social distances was enacted people still got sick. Maybe because the proper medical supplies were not here, đŸ˜· or maybe because we could not stop socializing like we were asked to do.

The one block with the ink pen represents the President of the United States had the authority to order whatever was necessary to help stop the spread.

The grey area with the dots represents the many opportunities that was lost in our ability to slow down the viral curve. We all are responsible in some way.

The black and white flowers which are mostly upside down represents death. Thank you to the many people who sacrificed their lives in helping to stop the virus. In whatever capacity, may you always be remembered with gratitude. Rest In Peace.

The monkeys on the bars represent the few representatives of the people that delayed the response to the virus but also are trying to help in the recovery of the nation. It is a testament of how difficult it is to do the right thing sometimes.

How will you document what is happening in the world today?

Please do not judge my response to our current predicament. It is just me trying to make sense of it all. Whether I am right or wrong does not matter. The only thing that does matter is “In God we trust.”

As always thanks for perusing and have a wonderful day.

Through The Waters

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Shortly after my husband passed I read an article where the author suggested grief comes in waves. I don’t remember who wrote it I just remember how I felt at that time and I couldn’t relate to it. Now I see the ocean in front of me and I’m standing on the other side for now.

Sometimes the waves come and slowly entices you to come in. Innocently you play in it letting it surround you while you take a deep breath and let it wash over you. Other times it knocks you down and drags you into the deep murky waters. You can’t catch your breath and you struggle for air while the currents take you deeper into despair leaving you isolated from anything you know good. While you are submerged thoughts of anguish take over you. Fear, anxiety, and depression take a hold of you. The water tells you lies about your life, about your dreams, about the people you love and especially about the person you grieve.

And then there are the times when you are submerged deep enough for thoughts to take you in but not deep enough for terror to take you over. That is mostly the times when other people question your integrity because they see you in the water comfortable in your own skin. What they don’t know is at that time you are in denial of your reality. For me, it’s several different scenarios all leading to the same conclusion. He is not dead. He is off at war fighting for his family and will return soon. He is somewhere undercover so his family will be protected while he fights for his innocent and someday will return. My favorite, he is a MI6 agent and when the plot to destroy the world is done, he will come home. He will come home. He will come home again and your family will be restored. It has all been a bad dream.

The waves keep rolling and rolling but fortunately I have a Savior who keeps pushing me back to shore. He rescues me and gives me breath and brings me back to life. He comforts me like no one else can. He restores me and gives me hope. He lets me know there is no condemnation in choosing life. It is what he expects of me. He expects me to live out the purpose he planned for me. It does not mean that I am not in pain. It means that my Father loves me not to leaving me floating face down in the water. He stands me up on the sands of the shore and walks me through the valley. He removes all the mountains in my way and returns me to the path home to my family. My purpose and his plan.

So when I say I’m standing on the other side of grief for now I say it with confidence because I serve a God that will never leave me nor forsake me. The waves may come but the Spirit is with me and he will not let me drown. Jesus will rescue me and bring me back to the shore. I hope you know it too. We are his children and he loves us more than we can ever know. Whatever your situation he can bring us through the waters and he can move mountains!

Isaiah 43:2 NLT “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.”

How awesome is this! I am standing on his promises.

Thank you for perusing and have a good evening.😘

Signs and Wonders

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Good evening Wonderers:

I’m working on the painting “Confirmation” today.  It has been a slow process for me to get it started.  It had been a difficult two weeks emotionally and thank God the idea was here for me to complete.

I was on a high note the week before the Eagles’ game.  It started with me ending up unexpectedly at a birthday party that my granddaughter was invited two days prior. I was not even going to go I was just going to drop them off and circle around a few hours later.  But something told me to go in.  The homeowners were from Philadelphia.  They lived just a block from where I grew up.  One guest owned some Florsheim Shoe Stores which was where my husband worked when we first me.  And everyone was an Eagles fan.  This was Saturday, a week before the game.  I took it as a sign from the Father.

A couple days later I get an email from my friend that there is a quilting guild in my area and they have a impromptu meeting the first Friday of every month.  And since you know I’m working on this quilt I decide to attend.   I end up sitting next to a woman that worked with my husband reminding me how much he was loved by his peers and community.  How awesome is God! Not only was my heart filled with compassion, I met several women who could help me with my quilt.

By Sunday I was ready for the game emotionally.  My son and I watched it together.  The other children went across the street to a Super Bowl party but I could not.  We stayed to watch it in the comfort  of my home and the Eagles won.  I was happy for them.  I was happy for everyone who was rooting for Derrick’s favorite team.  I felt God gave us a victory.  And since Derrick passed right after the game last year, God gave us a better Super Bowl memory.  I went to bed that night feeling God’s unmistakable love.

Something changed.  I noticed I did not want to answer texts and phone calls.  I knew people were concerned but I just did not want to share another moment of missing him with everyone else like I’ve had to do.  I would take this final grief by myself.  

On the 9th I had a doctor come to my home for a visit.  This woman who I had only known for 5 minutes asked how I was feeling this time last year.  Well let me see, this time last year I was standing in front of a group of people offering them comfort at his memorial service when I broke down and whimpered.  She said I was extremely depressed and it angered me.  Not angered as in hate but as in what more could you want from me.  I’ve gotten through getting the children off to school everyday and made sure there was food in the house to eat.  I’ve paid the bills and handled any situations with grace.  What more can be expected from me?

And that brings me back to this painting.  Maybe in theory she is right.  Although I could not see it was missing, where was my joy? Why am I not doing the things I love.  Cooking, singing, taking good care of my family and praising God in spite of it all.  I have my moments but where is the continuous joy.  I had to rebuke this feeling for I know who I am.  I am a child of God.  I am a child of light and, “we know all things work together for the good of them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

I thank Jesus for not leaving me there.  Her words were a reminder that God called me to a purpose and I was being distracted by the enemy.  It was okay for me to miss Derrick and weeping may endure for a night but joy Still comes in the morning.  So today I start to paint and I read about the president wanting to cut funding to The Endowment of the Arts among other programs that are here to support the people.  Where would I be without art?  What would our world be without art?  The history of the world as we know it is captured in the arts.  Past, present and future.  How sad our world would be without it.

So for today Wonderers I can only tell you this.  I serve and praise the God that told me to paint.  I trust in him and I await for my Lord and Savior.  When my doctor got the report from the home visit he gave me a referral to talk with someone.  I’m waiting on Jesus and in the meantime I will talk to the many people he has placed on my path with signs and wonders that He has heard my cries and I am not alone.  I will complete “Confirmation” and I humbly hope that it will give comfort to someone else who is also waiting on Jesus.  In Christ we are more than conquerors.

I am winding down to February 15, the day I laid his body to rest for the final time and I am good. I am not alone and I am not depressed. I have all of you and I hope you know you have a friend in Jesus. Tomorrow I have art guild meeting and will get some pointers on my painting and fellowship with other artists and Christians that love the Lord.  I will keep you updated on my progress but here is the First layer.

Thanks for perusing and may God continue to bless you and keep you.

Family

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Pinwheel #9 


This one is for my children.  

There is a great disparity from the mother I wanted to be and the mother I sometimes was.  I thank God that he restored me to the person I thought I was and not having remained the stressed out, overworked and emotionally dysfunctional woman he discarded. 

Thank you father for loving me enough to correct me.

Until next time God be with you.

His Girls

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He asked, “What are my girls gonna do when I’m gone?”

        Well:

The girl woke up and changed her mind about what’s important in life.

One girl quit her job and followed her dream.

Another one took a class so maybe she can get an office job.

The littlest of them all started reading and writing her own notes saying they came from you telling them all:  “You are loved bekus you love from the heart.  

Today without you the girls drove from South Carolina to Philadelphia.

Without you the girls leaned into Jesus Christ who strengthens them and gives them perfect love.

The girls got moxie.


<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/moxie/”>Moxie</a&gt;

Caper

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Edited in sincerity to the Quest of the Pineapple.

We were starting on another journey you and I. The dynamic duo, we called ourselves. Preparing for another caper. We were magical together. Polar opposites. My strengths were your weaknesses. Your strength were my weaknesses. Together we were one person. No one could touch us. No one could go around us. Impenetrable!

Somewhere we made a wrong turn. A decision we would have to face dire consequences for. Somewhere in our quest for greatness we forgot how we came to be so powerful. We started with just love. Love that kept us talking all night about our dreams and aspirations. Love that made us silly and adventurous. We had found each other. Our soulmate. We thought we did it ourselves and the powers that be excused our innocence. Young love can be foolish.

He put us together against all odds. The things we had in common in the beginning against the things years later we still couldn’t understand how we ended up together. Even with our differences, he put us together for a purpose for the unbelieving spouse will sanctify the other. But somewhere we made a wrong turn and we misjudged the covenant we agreed to when we were united. We were moving in our own power, depleting our resources. All the while the superpowers kept feeding us granting permission for us to keep fighting evil. So stupid we didn’t show enough gratitude, enough love, enough praise that the evil doers came in through the weakest links of our shield. Our faith in God. We didn’t even notice when the smoke bomb was thrown in. We kept touching it not knowing what it was only knowing that we seeing thing different than before. We just kept up the superhero appearance before man. Thinking we were battered but not beaten and we began to believe we did not need all the strength of the superpower. We were doing it, the dynamic duo. We had it all in our own right.

The enemy penetrated our camp spreading their venom all around. We breathed it in and it worked against us. We were battling a different kind of crime. No longer were we fighting the enemy we were fighting against ourselves. We became so weak in the mind, body and spirit we didn’t even think to call to the higher power. We tried to save each other and exhausted what power we had left. Loves make you want to try even when you know you can not win by yourselves. Thankfully the higher powers came to our rescue although they could only save one of us. I’m not sure which one of us was saved. All I know for sure is I was left to warn the heroes that replace us.

Turn back and plan your capers together and use your powers for good. Remember even after the crowd praises your accomplishments, you are not operating as the dynamic duo. You have the God Squad, the Holy Trinity ~ The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost.

My sidekick of 30 years has hung up his cape but I have comfort that I am not alone. I’ve tightened my belt and picked up my shield. Me and The Squad are still on the quest.

Call on Jesus.  He will answer.  It is not too late to save each other.  It is not too late to save yourself.

2 You’re blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by GOD. You’re blessed when you follow his directions, doing your best to find him. That’s right—you don’t go off on your own; you walk straight along the road he set. You, GOD, prescribed the right way to live; now you expect us to live it. Oh, that my steps might be steady, keeping to the course you set; Then I’d never have any regrets in comparing my life with your counsel. I thank you for speaking straight from your heart; I learn the pattern of your righteous ways. I’m going to do what you tell me to do; don’t ever walk off and leave me. (‭Psalm‬ ‭119‬:‭2‬ MSG)

<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/caper/”>Caper</a&gt;

Parable of a Wild Flower

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Hello Wonderers:

Following my meditation on Galatians Chapter 5. I want to tell you my story.

Have you ever wondered if you were a flower, what type of flower would you be? Personally I never thought about it but apparently I do carry the characteristic of a flower. I am Mirabilis Jalapa. To you and me just the old fashioned Four O’clocks.

Like the flower I was easy to raise. I remember how I came to this flower. My coworker gave me some seeds and told me, “Just scratch up the ground and throw them down but make sure they are where you want them.” I did just that and they grew into the most ample set of leaves with little flowers are over it. Like it was shy of showing its full potential but everyone could see it had a real possibility to be a showstopper. When I was born into the world, my mother rejected me because she wanted all boys. She was so adamant about it the nurses would not give me to her for fear that she would harm me. That was fear on her part. I don’t think she didn’t love me. I think she was afraid of raising a daughter. Maybe she knew there was a pattern of hurt that I was going to endure because she too endured it. Maybe it was anxiety that she could not do it justice because she was so damaged herself and from the beginning she just wanted to avoid it. Either way, my grandmother saw the value in me at birth and swooped me into her arms closing the bond that should have been between my mother and me. Being the middle child she didn’t really have time for me. Her oldest and youngest children had more urgent medical issues to deal with. I remember asking her about it and she said, “I didn’t need her, they did!” What she could not see was the fear and anxiety she transferred to me. Two negative traits I fought to suppress all my life. Winning mostly but losing just the same.

Four o’clocks can tolerate a wide range of conditions. They are easy to care for because they don’t need much attention. I was an anxious kid having to get my knuckles whacked every day in kindergarten because I would knock over my milk. In my elementary years I used to come home from school and sit in the corner and read books. I remember being home alone. I would just sit and wait until my grandmother would swing by and pick me up if my mother was going to be late. I did not know I could read until fourth grade. Being a shy kid I would not have ever read in class. After I discovered I could read, I became a bookworm. I never wanted to play outside. I was content just reading my books. Books had the ability to take you anywhere you wanted to go. Away from isolation, unhealthy relationships, even boredom and despair. The love of reading kept me out of other people’s way and gave me a purpose until I found love. Love brought to my life a garden. A family.

In the garden the four o’clock is a show stopper. It controls any location and thrives against all odds. It is controlling and will tower over any nearby plants. Sometimes it will cause such a shadow that the underlying plants can not get enough sun and nutrients. I can see now how I had control over my family. I took responsibility of everything and everybody. I gave all of myself so much so I had nothing left from my heart to give and I would become angry. Not at any one person but at the whole situation. At times I would be outside of myself and when difficulties occurred, I could lash out and cause discord. In Galatians 5:23 it says, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. All of which are in us to freely give but when you live in fear you forget who you are. You are a child of God and if you become hateful and selfish God does not like it and you know it so you rest until a new day begins and you wait until four o’clock again.

This time in the garden, it is about remaining quiet and composed until the appointed hour to come alive and vibrant again bringing all the love and beauty to the gardener. I think back to how I would patiently wait all day for 4:00 p.m. for my day to begin. I would lay low, keeping the house quiet so my husband could sleep. I would go about my day taking care of errands but staying close to home giving little time to myself or others trying desperately to be available if he needed me. I kept my house immaculate and my children orderly and active outside of the house. Inside they also had to be reserved. My husband never demanded any of it. It was just easier to be complacent. So at the appointed hour I was ready to give all of myself to him for the little time we would get to spend together. I would praise him and give him all the credit for the things he was doing for our family. All in his own strength not God’s. He was the gardener in our garden. Galatians 5:19 speaks of idolatry. We are not to put anything or anyone before God. It was okay for me to be submissive to my husband but coupled with fear and a obsessive desire to constantly please made me a servant to him. I thought Serving him was my way of showing God’s love but when fear, anxiety and anger came into play it became burdensome and none of my actions were voluntarily given. The Spirit was in bondage.

I feel I am to tell my story. I hope you will read Galatians Chapter 5 for yourself and see how it relates to your life.

The garden of four o’clocks has been turned under and the gardener has hung up his hoe. God is now maintaining the garden and there is new freedom in Christ. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and so not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1. This is the message I received. I will never again go back to living in fear. I will live by the Spirit. If I am going to be a flower I will be a pineapple. I will hold my head up high, wear a crown and be full of sweetness.

God wants us all to be filled with joy Wonderers.

Until next time, Thank you for perusing and have a good night rest. God Bless You!

Denise Mundy

On the Ledge (so to speak)

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Some days ago I woke up feeling like my normal self.  It was short lived but nice just the same.  I have been missing in action for quite some time.  Invisible to the world.  Being a caregiver took up so much of my time (no complaints) and the felt the care of I giving became insufficient for my husband went on to glory days.  Just like a plant I was continually watering and accidently drowned.  It felt as if my good intentions went to waste.

Shortly after I awoke I realized it was my husband’s birthday tomorrow and I needed to get flowers to put on his gravesite.  Plastic flowers because people will not let the real one stay in place.  Who robs a departed soul? People who have no soul I assume.  Then I began to cry, sob uncontrollably because he should not be there.  Not in the ground and definitely not in that location.  He should still be here with me and our family.  I made the wrong decision.  A decision I can not change.  A decision that was only mines to make.  A decision I did not have time to fully consider.  Ultimately a decision I had no control over.  God had all the control over the ultimate situation.  But I still felt that in some way I was to blame.

So today here I sit, on the ledge, writing about how I feel.  It is not my first letter.  I’ve written plenty to God, my husband and to myself  looking for both questions and answers.  I get answers but still I move in and out of acceptance like I change underwear.  Everyday is a new reality.  So how do I keep getting back to the first day over and over again?

Plain and simple.  Doubt.

It does not matter whether it is weakness, fear, feelings of defeat, loneliness, etc… The enemy will use your despair to defeat you where he can.

This is when I started to cry and moan and I prayed to the Holy Spirit to help me and comfort me.  Romans 8:26-27 says “the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words we can not express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.

I know it is true because I quickly and quietly get back to the place of acceptance.  Over the last few months I have asked the Spirit to quiet my thoughts, help me find peace, and whatever else I consciously and unconsciously asked for and it was given to me.  God’s love and concern for me never wavers.  He is restoring me back to the path he placed me on some time ago.  He tells me I am redeemed.  I do not need to be on this ledge for he has a purpose for me.  A purpose far beyond my reach.  A plan that I have been seeking validating for.

Well Wonderers I am here to tell you God has already validated you.  His grace is more than sufficient.  Have faith in his promises.  Love life, love yourself and be grateful for your family and friends.  Speak with kind words and with positivity.  What you put out in the universe manifests itself.  God only wants what is best for you.

Until we meet again keeping looking for the wonders of life and thanks for perusing.