Some days ago I woke up feeling like my normal self. It was short lived but nice just the same. I have been missing in action for quite some time. Invisible to the world. Being a caregiver took up so much of my time (no complaints) and the felt the care of I giving became insufficient for my husband went on to glory days. Just like a plant I was continually watering and accidently drowned. It felt as if my good intentions went to waste.
Shortly after I awoke I realized it was my husband’s birthday tomorrow and I needed to get flowers to put on his gravesite. Plastic flowers because people will not let the real one stay in place. Who robs a departed soul? People who have no soul I assume. Then I began to cry, sob uncontrollably because he should not be there. Not in the ground and definitely not in that location. He should still be here with me and our family. I made the wrong decision. A decision I can not change. A decision that was only mines to make. A decision I did not have time to fully consider. Ultimately a decision I had no control over. God had all the control over the ultimate situation. But I still felt that in some way I was to blame.
So today here I sit, on the ledge, writing about how I feel. It is not my first letter. I’ve written plenty to God, my husband and to myself looking for both questions and answers. I get answers but still I move in and out of acceptance like I change underwear. Everyday is a new reality. So how do I keep getting back to the first day over and over again?
Plain and simple. Doubt.
It does not matter whether it is weakness, fear, feelings of defeat, loneliness, etc… The enemy will use your despair to defeat you where he can.
This is when I started to cry and moan and I prayed to the Holy Spirit to help me and comfort me. Romans 8:26-27 says “the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words we can not express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.
I know it is true because I quickly and quietly get back to the place of acceptance. Over the last few months I have asked the Spirit to quiet my thoughts, help me find peace, and whatever else I consciously and unconsciously asked for and it was given to me. God’s love and concern for me never wavers. He is restoring me back to the path he placed me on some time ago. He tells me I am redeemed. I do not need to be on this ledge for he has a purpose for me. A purpose far beyond my reach. A plan that I have been seeking validating for.
Well Wonderers I am here to tell you God has already validated you. His grace is more than sufficient. Have faith in his promises. Love life, love yourself and be grateful for your family and friends. Speak with kind words and with positivity. What you put out in the universe manifests itself. God only wants what is best for you.
Until we meet again keeping looking for the wonders of life and thanks for perusing.
For my friend Pamela because you encourage me to get out of my own head.
Happy 1 month anniversary B!
I’m starting to remember that day more clearly. I remember how intently you were staring at me as I turned the corner and you misjudged the table and dropped that glass. I didn’t want you to pick it up. I had joked about me becoming your mother and called you Bernard and told you to have a seat. I remember you made me a drink too. I remember wondering why we were drinking so early in the day. Crown Royal your favorite. I’m so glad I just drank it. I didn’t say I didn’t want it or even that it was too early in the day. I just drank it. I didn’t know we were celebrating your surrendering. That look of longing, that look of intense love. That look like the day we first met gave you courage to surrender it all for my sake. I’m glad I was happy at that moment making snacks for your game. You telling me my guacamole was restaurant quality made me smile. I’m glad you were happy that day. It was a happy day. You were running with the underdogs, the Falcons. What a good game. I watched you cheering them on while you were slowly accepting your departure. You waited for everyone to leave. Going to their homes, going to bed. Then you came to me not quite ready to go but not wanting to be alone. Thank you for choosing me that day in the beginning and again that day in the end.
For all the times I had to share you it always came down to you and me.
Do you ever wonder why things have to be so difficult? What can possibly be hard about purchasing a trash can and then use it correctly? Probably nothing in your household but in mines – madness!
I don’t know why in this day and time you have to touch the top of the trash can. In my day we had to take trash outside and pick up the lid and place it back down, make sure it was on tight before we came in the house. My jokers have it so easy if they could just figure it out, they should never have to touch the lid. I have purchased several brands of trash cans over the years. Ones that flips up. They don’t work because somebody never sees the can is full and leaves it open smelling the house up with garbage. Swings open. No because everyone had to touch the lid leaving some residue that just makes the can look nasty. I had pedestal to open the tops. But someone used their super human strength and breaks off the pedestal and so on and so on and so on, None of these have worked. Thirty three years of searching for the perfect can. I just gave up.
Well I thought I found it. My friend has an automatic trash can. I was at her house having a coffee break when her grandson walked up to the can and wait for it….it opened and he put his thrash in it and then it closed. WOW! He didn’t touch it any where. It just opened as if he mentally suggested – open sesame! For two hours I watch her family navigate around the can tossing, scraping, even spit trash into the can. I was impressed. I had to have that trash can. I was too ashamed to ask her where it came from but I knew Goggle would know. He sent me to Amazon and I purchased a NineStars Electronic Stainless Steele can that came with a bonus can. Two for the price of one. Impressive, I know right! I even additionally purchased the adaptor because I’ve seen this baby in action and I knew it was a keeper. Shouldn’t have to waste batteries on this life changer. I had to wait a couple of days for it but I was so excited i went to the store and purchased a rug to go under it.
When it came I set it up immediately, prancing around the house like it was Christmas. Days went by and my hopes were slowing dashing. Somebody can’t get it to open. They stand in front of it waving their hands over it, gives up and pushes the backup button because they couldn’t wait a second. Everyone can’t change the bag properly. There happens to be a ring inside the can that you wrap the bag around so it doesn’t show on the outside. Someone occasionally opens it with their hands and leaves it open all night. I’ve even witnessed the can opening and close before the person let go of the trash and it hit the lid as if the person was stammering o op open pen ses sa meeee! Damn, what’s a girl to do?
Titus, My only smart guy can open the can with no problems. He stands in front of it, waits, and when it opens gets his paper towels and let’s it close. At night he throws them around and leaves the mess all over the floor.
That’s right Wonderers, only the dog can do it!
The search is back on! I guess my mom was right, the trash can must go outside for sanity to remain inside.
Thanks for perusing and good night.
Ever get something that you never knew you wanted or even better ~ needed?
Well here it is! A Flip and Fold.
First, I have to admit I am kinda anal about laundry and it makes getting it done correctly (as in my way of doing it) difficult for everyone else so I do all the laundry for a family of six. But now thanks to the gag gift I received over the Christmas holiday. A laundry miracle has happened to my household. I literally just heard an heavenly, “Ahhhh!”
Who would have knew! Something for me turned out to be a gift for every one of them. Now everybody up in here can fold laundry. And guess what? I already ordered another one. This is something I know they are going to try and break. But I’m in it to win it, but I still won’t let them run the washing machine!
I wonder what else is out there I didn’t know I wanted?
Until next time, thanks for perusing.
Good Morning to You Wonderers:
Today didn’t start off to well for Alex. My grandson said to me, “Hey Mom Mom wake up! I don’t like paper on my cheese toast.”
I replied, “I’ve eaten plenty of paste sandwiches in my day and I’m still here. You’ll be fine.”
Hope you have a better morning Wonderers. I’m going back to bed and will try again later.
Well, Well Wonderers:
I’ve been waiting for a while now for a space to open up for my creativity. Well it has become apparent to me that this is the space!
Take it or leave it. This is the space!