guilt

Fasting

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Sitting here at Dunkin’ Donuts thinking about how Jesus saved my life while eating a donut and drinking coffee. I have a Doctor appointment in about an hour. It is not going to look good now. I thought it was to be earlier with fasting labs. I hadn’t eaten a thing since yesterday evening. I was ready. Turns out I was early and I am to go back later. I needed to get something to eat to cover all the insulin I injected earlier. So here I sit while sugar ooze through my veins thinking about how Jesus saved my life.

This is a testimony on how we don’t pay attention to our own sins. It just came to mind how ungrateful this act is. Intentionally, unintentionally everything we do counts. It just started out as having a donut. That simple, the adversary got me to do harm to myself. I’m not going to dwell on it. I messed up. I’m going to pray over it and move on.

Father,

Thank you for convicting me and blessing me. Please forgive me for my arrogance and ignorance. In not really thinking about it, I took a chance on possibly damaging my body causing an early ending to my life. Forgive me for not thinking of your perfect will for my life. Forgive me for not thinking of my family. Forgive me for not cooperating with the medical team you laid out for me to be healed. Forgive me for not showing courage and strength when the adversary tempted me. Lord, I love you and I will do better. The victory belongs to you Lord. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

I invited you into my day to hopefully show how easily we can be tempted. We need to be watchful at all times. How can we serve God’s will on this earth if we are not ready and able to serve. What is your weakness?

Glory be to God for giving me the courage to write this message.

Denise

All That I Can Say

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Good morning Wonderers;

I had been following a word prompt lately trying desperately to have something to say.  Something that wasn’t truly ridiculous and nothing that was unsympathetic to other’s tragedy that surrounds me.  Believe me I am on a cakewalk compared to a lot of people. I am so grateful for my life as torn as it is, I’m not broken, I’ve only been heartbroken and some days lonely.   But I read a post of Facebook the other day saying something about, “if you can lift your head off the pillow, you have all you need.”  It apparently was something a dying man was saying to his wife about  her life after he was gone.  I get it.  It is so true.  I’m here still amongst the living.  I have breath, a pulse and a functioning brain.  Everything else after that is icing on the cake.

There is so much goodness in my life that it feels strange to display.  I am so at peace with everything that at times I feel …..guilty.  Society has a way of dictating how we are supposed to feel, how we are supposed to display how we feel.  Why am I supposed to feel sad and downtrodden?  Who says I’m supposed to wear black.  I might as well hide behind a black veil if that is the case.  But I won’t and here is why.

I humbly come before you to explain why you see me living, smiling and enjoying my life.  PLEASE forgive me if I am repeating myself but I can not pretend anymore.

My husband loved life.  He loved me and gave me a good life.  He loved the Lord and obeyed him as far as loving me and for those three reasons I am overjoyed.

I miss him so I wear the colors he loved to see me in.  He hated that because of my profession I wore a lot of black.  When I retired I threw most of it out and started wearing colors again.  Color makes me happy and wearing them made him happy.  So I honor him with my bright colors.  I smile because he lived to make me smile and laugh.  That’s all he wanted for me and our children, for us to be happy.  He worked to give us security and comfort and we are so fortunate that he took his responsibility to us seriously.   He believed in God’s command of what a husband and father’s responsibilities are to his family.  He gave us everything he had to give and he is still giving to us more so now than ever before.  So please give us a break when you see us having fun and moving on without him.  It is just how we choose to pay our respects to the life he gave us.  When he looks in on us I want him to see he gave us enough love to last our life time.  I want God to see he did his duty.

I did not get to hear last words from his last breath but I did get to have the last words he wrote to me for our vow renewals the previous year.  He closed it with, “I give you my hand, my heart and my love from this day forward for as long as we both shall live.”  All I can say is I’m still here and I will honor his commitment for as long as I live.

Thank you for perusing and until next time, walk in joy.

Denise