Some days ago I woke up feeling like my normal self. It was short lived but nice just the same. I have been missing in action for quite some time. Invisible to the world. Being a caregiver took up so much of my time (no complaints) and the felt the care of I giving became insufficient for my husband went on to glory days. Just like a plant I was continually watering and accidently drowned. It felt as if my good intentions went to waste.
Shortly after I awoke I realized it was my husband’s birthday tomorrow and I needed to get flowers to put on his gravesite. Plastic flowers because people will not let the real one stay in place. Who robs a departed soul? People who have no soul I assume. Then I began to cry, sob uncontrollably because he should not be there. Not in the ground and definitely not in that location. He should still be here with me and our family. I made the wrong decision. A decision I can not change. A decision that was only mines to make. A decision I did not have time to fully consider. Ultimately a decision I had no control over. God had all the control over the ultimate situation. But I still felt that in some way I was to blame.
So today here I sit, on the ledge, writing about how I feel. It is not my first letter. I’ve written plenty to God, my husband and to myself looking for both questions and answers. I get answers but still I move in and out of acceptance like I change underwear. Everyday is a new reality. So how do I keep getting back to the first day over and over again?
Plain and simple. Doubt.
It does not matter whether it is weakness, fear, feelings of defeat, loneliness, etc… The enemy will use your despair to defeat you where he can.
This is when I started to cry and moan and I prayed to the Holy Spirit to help me and comfort me. Romans 8:26-27 says “the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words we can not express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.
I know it is true because I quickly and quietly get back to the place of acceptance. Over the last few months I have asked the Spirit to quiet my thoughts, help me find peace, and whatever else I consciously and unconsciously asked for and it was given to me. God’s love and concern for me never wavers. He is restoring me back to the path he placed me on some time ago. He tells me I am redeemed. I do not need to be on this ledge for he has a purpose for me. A purpose far beyond my reach. A plan that I have been seeking validating for.
Well Wonderers I am here to tell you God has already validated you. His grace is more than sufficient. Have faith in his promises. Love life, love yourself and be grateful for your family and friends. Speak with kind words and with positivity. What you put out in the universe manifests itself. God only wants what is best for you.
Until we meet again keeping looking for the wonders of life and thanks for perusing.
oh, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know no words of mine can help, but do know I am thinking of you and praying for you to find peace and accept the world as it now is. So sorry for the loss of your husband.
Salpal believe me I am good. Thank you for praying for me. It took me a long time to get here and I am looking forward to giving my voice to the universe. I have so much love to give to the world. I’m excited to see what Purpose God has for me!
You are so right, that the enemy uses despair–among other things–to try to break us down, destroy us. I can relate to “validation” being a strong need–I wasn’t validated by any person in my life, so I’m really glad Christ is our validation, and our Vindication too! Bless you!
Thank you for reading my blog and validating my thoughts. God told me to tell my story. It took me some time to believe that was what I was hearing. I am so thankful he did not give up on me.
I understand better than you know. He NEVER gives up on us–and His Word is full of flawed folks’ stories, used for His glory ❤