It started with a question.  Can you please start emptying out those boxes in the closet? 

Well of course I can.  I’m just laying here in the bed doing nothing.  Those boxes have been there since we moved to this place almost two years ago. I guess today is as good as any other day.  While I was going through the boxes I came upon an old journal   I loved this journal’s cover.  I came upon it when diabetes starting showing itself in my thought process.  I was having problems with my short term memory and decided I would start writing everything down.  The woman reminded me of the me I used to know.  Strong, independent and quick witted. I could sense all of it in here eyes. She was going to help me disguise my new flaw and keep my secret.

I open the journal.  I’m always amazed when I read things that I wrote previously, especially the things I wrote when I was just a kid.  My mom sometimes sends me writings she runs across.  I was full of it back then, even more so than now, but what I ran across this time was different.  I ran across a prayer.  I tend to write these prayers when the need arises.  It’s how my grandmother taught me to pray.  I never verbally heard her in prayer but I knew she was a Godly woman and prayed for her family.  It’s just one of the blessings she gave me.  The ability to pray for my family.    The prayer started like this:

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Thank you God for all you are doing on behalf my family.  Please help us provide a home for A so he can begin to heal mentally and emotionally.  Please assist D in his endeavors to provide for all of us.  He is trying so hard to provide us with a new home so there will be enough space to provide a room for every individual.  It is important for everyone to have their own space.  Please help N control her impulses and be able to advance in school.  Please help J and K come to a better understanding and begin the healing process.  Thank you for all the success that B had made.  I owe all the glory to you.  Thanking you in advance for all the miracles that are coming my way.  In Jesus name I thank you and pray.  D.

A simple prayer for some big issues.  A simple prayer I forgot I made.

We closed on our home on January 31. 2012.  It must have been ordained, It happen so fast.  We had put our house up for sale in the previous December.  We found our new home in the middle of January and closed on within 15 days.  We started moving in the week of Valentines.  We were moving things in slowing because we didn’t have to rush, the old house was still up for sale and we were debating on did we want to keep it or really sell it. 

I was taking my time because I hadn’t been feeling well.  I had a trip to the emergency room in December and again in January, but my blood glucose level was high.  When you’re a diabetic and your glucose is high that’s what they treat, they do not necessarily look for anything else.  I had a feeling of impending doom and I remember telling my boss, “By the time I get my family settled, I’ll be in the hospital somewhere.”   In less than a month, our old house sold.  We went to closing on a Friday.  I took off work for the occasion because we had to get the rest of the stuff out of the house.

That Sunday I had been unpacking, separating boxes, putting things I did not necessarily have to deal with in closets.  It was work and I was feeling overwhelmed and I had been complaining all weekend.  I was tired of this and I was tired of that.  I didn’t sign on for this.  I quit!  I will no longer take the responsibility of others, I quit!

As the evening worn down, I was feeling good about what I had accomplished in the house.  Around midnight I went to bed.  As soon as I hit the pillow instantly I did not feel good.  I got up and went to the bathroom and out of nowhere vomited.  I did not feel sick, no pains or nausea so my first reaction is that it must have been something I ate.  Five hours later laying on the bathroom floor I was exhausted.  I literally could not get up.  I had been calling for someone, but no one heard my calls.  Finally I decided to call on God and I prayed, “If it’s your will God, please help me get off this floor.”  I heard him question, “Are you really tired and ready to quit?”  I had to think about it.  I had a chance to make my thoughts right and I said “No!”  I started crawling out of the bathroom.  Out of my bedroom and collapsed at the bedroom door.  About an hour later by daughter came out of her room and saw me on the floor and called her father.

He came home and took me to the emergency room.  Turns out the gallbladder had perforated, and gangrene had set in.  It had been dying probably since December and if I would have waited another hour, I would have died.  The shock to the body set off an underlying medical condition that I had under control.  I never went back to work.  They could not wait for me to get better.  They retired me five months later to fill my position.

Now looking at this prayer I realized the answers I have been looking for the last 20 months has been staring me in the face all this time. Stabbing at my heart every moment I have defied the inevitable.  It was his will for me to live to provide a home for A.  It was his will for me to help my family and to keep praying for them.   I’m home for the first time in my adult life.  A stay at home mom and wife. Anything else I get to do is gravy.

To answer your questions, Yes N did finish school.  All of the kids are doing fine.  After all, that’s what I’m here for.

I needed to close that chapter of my life.  I’m ready to get well now and move forward.  Thanks for listening wonders and

Thank you God, I owe you all the glory.  Thanking you in advance for all the miracles that are coming my way.